Thursday, May 17, 2012

Beauty #2 Stress and control

I think sometimes as we get older, we find it harder to find beauty in things.  We find it harder to get enjoyment out of the things that used to make us happy.  I told an old friend the other night that most of the time I really feel like I'm some one different than I used to be; I feel like I'm not fun anymore.  Why do I feel that way you may ask?  I don't see the beauty enough. Sometimes I become more and more afraid that the things I still find beauty in will slip away. 

I often worry that I am the only one who feels this way.  I am so afraid to take risks, to jump of the ledge and not worry about where I fall.  I want to move away once I graduate, but I often find myself almost paralyzed by fear.  What if I can't find a job?  What if I am a bad teacher?  What if I don't make enough money? What if my life doesn't work out the way I always hoped it would?  Why can't I just give up control and let God take the wheel?
I realize this is something I need to work on. I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks I should do, and do what I think is best for me.  I need to start taking risks.  Let's say I move to Boston...what's the worst that can happen?  Okay maybe I can't pay all of my bills and buy groceries in a given month.  Are my parents going to let me starve? No, so why worry about it?
I guess there is beauty in admitting this is a fault and is something I want to work on and need to work on.

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